Wanting What Cannot Be Had
by K-Shandra
Summary: You would make a good mother… how those words can haunt


Title: Wanting What Cannot Be Had.

Genre: NCIS.

Pairing: None really.

Rating: T, nothing serious.

Timeline: Season 9. Cannon.

Spoilers: Everything was fair game… you have been spoilt – sorry warned.

Summery: You would make a good mother… how those words can haunt.

Disclaimer: I think we have established by now that they are not mine.

A/N: The thought stuck… and was fed by another that my muse could not get her head wrapped around, but was just such a good titbit and needed a story, or at least a mention.

Warning: This might upset some.

Written: Late November 2011… The muse as busy with the others, this came out in one sitting so it is possibly riddled with tense errors.

Word Count: 3 290

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Ziva has learnt many lessons in her life, and many of them has left some mark on her, but the ones that often hurt the most, the ones she felt the most, were those that touched her heart. They were the ones people could not see, they could only guess at.

She remembers clearly arriving from school one afternoon, perplexed. Many of the girls had spoken of things that had then held little interest to her… She had not been planning a life with a husband and children, for her passage in life had already been set and her father had ensured that she receive the correct training. So, whilst other girls were dreaming of weddings, dresses and finding a suitable husband, she was throwing knives, disarming bombs and putting guns back together. She had no time for foolish sentiments like love – she had a country to protect.

But that afternoon she had been severely rattled when one of Ari's friends, well one that ones she liked anyway, had jostled Ari about a girl Ari liked, and Ari had simply stated that he intended to marry her. That afternoon, for the first time in her life, Ziva realized that there might just be more to her life than defending her homeland. Unable to make sense of the then new perception, she had approached her noda Nettie for some sensible input on how she would now if she had met her partner. The lesson had been simple, and Netta's words she will never forget.

"My dear child it is simple; you will know that you have met him, the day you realize that for your life would be futile without him in it."

The answer and the reasoning behind it had seemed so simple back then. Nettie's words that she would know when the right one came along, put her mind at ease, and Ziva continued with her training.

It was a few years later that she started to question the wisdom of Nettie's words. It was about the time that she was taught the art of seduction and how to tempt a man. At that stage, most of her peers were thinking of settling down, and she got the lingering sensation that she was missing out something… She had learnt how the male mind works, knew how to manipulate their bodies to her will, but she had heard how the others used it to gain over their men and wandered that if perhaps she'd not been trying hard enough to find someone.

So once again Netta parted with her wisdom.

"The day you realize that he complements you in every way, that you can put his needs before your own and you can see him fathering your children, that is when you concern yourself with winning him over."

That time round, Netta's words had set her thinking. Because of all the men she had met up until that stage in her life, not one of them had managed to mean as much to her that she could not contemplate a life without them, and not one of them could she see herself bearing children to. And when she listened, really listened, to her peers, she once again realized the wisdom in Netta's words, for those women were all talking about having children with their partners.

Her departure to America after having shot Ari was necessary, she no longer knew her father, no longer trusted him. Ari had been the only male presence that had been constant in her life, other that Michael, and Michael was a Mossad agent like her, and she was quickly starting to see them as pawns in her fathers chess game. She had leapt at Jenny's offer, knowing that she needed a change, needed to regroup and although she would not be welcomed with open arms, she at least would have the chance of sorting out her thoughts. The position would be temporary, a chance to get away…

America was different form what she had expected, and she was not welcome on the team. In fact, there was more animosity than welcome, and had it not been for the situations surrounding her appointment she doubts she would have remained as calm as what she had. Ducky had always treated her with consideration and respect. McGee has always treated her as an equal, Gibbs as a soldier that needed to follow orders, Tony had treated her as an unwelcome guest that had to be tolerated he could taunt and tease with permission. Abby… Abby had disliked her on sight, and she had not been bothered by it, because her post was temporary so she did not need to be overly friendly. To her it had been a job that needed doing, and her friendship with Jenny is why she was there.

It was a few months later that she once again spoke to Netta, she was feeling lonely, it was hard being in another country away from the one's friends, and she was discussing Abby's mannerisms and Tony's antics with her when noda parted with yet another of her teachings.

"The strongest of friendships are built on disagreements, because friends who can disagree remain individuals in their own right, they do not sacrifice themselves."

At first, it had not made sense to her. Why would she want to argue with her friends? But as life is to be lived forwards and understood backwards, she came to realize the wisdom in Netta's words, and if anyone had back then told her that those people would become the centre of her universe, she would have laughed at them.

She had so little n common with them back then, and did not really want their friendship. She enjoyed teasing Tony, and he was such an easy mark, she could set him up and shoot him down with relative ease. Gibbs was scary at times, his habit of popping up out of nowhere when you least expected it, was disquieting. Abby was and always will be a puzzle to her. She was familiar with both sides of the Goth, and had strangely come to value her friendship the most. Just like she'd come to view Gibbs as a father figure, as the man who set rules but allowed you to grow, explore and develop within them. And his rule twelve was just more of an insensitive to tease Tony, knowing he could not do anything. McGee was well McGee, ever helpful and ever bashful but a good friend. Ducky has always held a very special place in her heart, for all the understanding and consoling conversations they have shared over the years. And then there was Tony… Tony, the one person she had great difficult with assigning a role in her life.

It was during the time with Jeanne that she realized her feelings for Tony were changing, that it was no longer just teasing and banter, that it had started to mean something. It was when she saw what being in a relationship did to him that she had started seeing through the act. Even during the summer that Gibbs had been away, the events had not changed her perspective of him as much as it had when she saw how he was about the then unknown woman in his life. And unlike what her father believed, nothing had happened between her and Tony during that time that Gibbs was away. Yes, it would have allowed for them to follow through with the teasing, but that was not what she wanted then. She liked being in America and knew that if things did not work out, which would have been highly likely considering Tony, she would have had to leave the team and America, to return to Mossad and her father. She had not been willing to sacrifice her newfound freedom for a few nights of mindless sex that would complicate things, and at times, she's come to regret that decision…

Jeanne had allowed for her to see the real person behind the clown suit, and although it had hurt her at first to realize that there was someone in his life that meant something. She had come to realize that it made him happy, and because of that and because of the uncertainty surrounding her appointment and position in the team, she supported him as best she could. It was one of those thing that only with hindsight could she come to realize that she was willing to put his needs before her own, and it had taken a hot, dry cell in the desert for her to realize as much.

Not long after that, she was forced to return with Mossad and her father. It was there that she had to come to terms with the fact that although he could be irritating as hell, she missed him. She liked being with them, and him in particular. And that somewhere along the lines, between their bantering, arguing and his just outright idiocy at times, they had grown close and she missed that, Mossad had suddenly become too serous too stiff for her, she had changed.

The moment the chance came that she could go back, she high tailed it out of Israel, wanting to be with the people she had come to realize were her friends, the best friends she had. It was strange at first with not having him in the office, she was jealous of the postcards he'd sent Abby, not so much for the fact that he's sent her postcard, but the shear amount of postcards he had sent Abby… when he had not even as much as called her. She remembers the first time she saw him on that ship, the brilliant smile he greeted them and set her heart racing. She'd realized then that Nettie had been right, that she would know when she'd met him – the only problem then had been that she knew him, had known him for some time, and they worked together. There were also rules in place, rules that she had in the past relied on to keep him at a distance when things got a little too heated, a rule that had since become her number one enemy. She had had to watch, and listen, whilst other women could have what she sough, how he could bestow them the attention she could not have.

Then Michael happened. She had really hoped that she could have something with him, if she could not have Tony, she could at least be with someone she knew, whom she trusted... Once again she was torn. Someone who'd been a lingering presence in her life had been taken from her, and this time by a man who she could not have. Someone she could not trust with her heart or emotions because she couldn't trust herself with them. Someone she learnt later was looking out for her, always had and always will.

Never before had Noda's words rung as true… a life without him did seem pointless. Although at that stage she was not certain if it was because of the loss of Michael or the fact that Gibbs had left her behind, and effectively had taken Tony out of her life. She knew that Tony would not look back. Her last words to him had been spoken in anger, meant to hurt him, like she'd been hurting.

During her time in the desert, she took what came her way, because it reminded her of what her life had become. She had welcomed the thought of her death, even anticipated the moment, because it would ease things. She new she would protect them, him, at all costs, there had been no way, humane or inhumane, that Salem could extract the information from her that he wanted. However Salem wasn't the vindictive bastard he's become for nothing, he knew how to inflict pain, how to degrade one, but what he had not realized was that at that moment she did not have much to live for. She had lost everything near and dear to her. She may have admitted to things and feelings but she did not utter a single name unless they were already dead, of that, she made sure.

And then he was there, the last person in the world she thought would find her, or even bother to see her out. He had thought her dead, and still had gone to avenge her. His words she will never forget, for she understood them… it gave her hope, hope that like her his feelings ran as deeply. But there had been a rift between them and, words often spoken in duress were not as easy to follow up on once removed from the situation, they had needed to heal that rift first, which had not been easy.

It was not long after her return that she knew what she needed to do, knew where she wanted to be. That is where Leila's lesson came into practice, _"__Sometimes__the__most__significant__decisions__in__ones__life__is__made__without__though__"_. Ziva had known that she had made the right decisions in staying. She knew that her and Tony could rebuild her partnership, if given time. It made sense to be there with him even if she could not have more of him, because as per his usual form Tony had once again retreated into himself and was hiding behind his clown face. His feeling were so deeply burred, that she'd often though that she'd imagined his words, but they were there, in his actions, in the way he made sure she was with them, in the way he kept on trying to draw her out, how he baited her and included her in things. Then everything went for a loop again, with Paris. He had been a bundle of contradictions, she had expected some leery comment but instead she he'd seemed almost happy. Where she had been all fidgety and irritable, because she was so vividly reminded of what she wanted, of what she craved, and waking up next to him in bed was possibly the simplest embodiment of that. When he had returned from sight seeing, she soon leaned he had no problem referring to the night before. She even for a moment thought that he had enjoyed their evening together, and that she might not need to be so sensitive about it.

She relished in their closeness after that, was tickled pink by his jealous behaviour whenever a man bestowed her any attention, and for once thought that he might be willing to break that rule. They grew closer again, shared banter and she could even get away with teasing him a little, but knew when the limit was reached because she could see him mentally step back, not quite willing to go there yet.

She had long since come to see the things Gibbs had seen in Tony, when she had still believed him to be childish. She'd come to understand how his mind works, and that was  
>why he could no longer hide things from her.<p>

She still vividly remembers how uncomfortable she became when he started talking about kids that one morning. It had been the strongest indication that he thought about things like that and that somewhere deep inside he actually yearned for them. She remembered wanting to leave, because she did not want to know who he considered as a good match for him, or who he would like to have mother his children, it had struck just a little too close to home. She however was relieved to find out that he had not gotten that far yet, when the yellow suited Abby had leapt on him. She had been disgruntled once again at the closeness they shared, and the fact that Abby could do things like that. She knew that McGee at times found Abby and Tony's relationship intimidating, and that it often unsettled him as much as it did her when Abby bestowed her attentions on Tony. She understood Tony and Abby's relationship, knew that Abby was like a little sister to him, and that they had worked together the longest out of the team members, and that stood for something.

She had understood when he had not been there at her citizenship ceremony, but it had been hard. It was the first time that she had started to doubt her decision, her reason for staying.

Then Ray happened…

She liked Ray, really liked him. He was fun to be with, he knew how to relax and have a good time, something she had then realized had been lacking in her life. She would have been happy to part as friends after her trip, but it was Tony's reaction to her "relationship" that had to a large extent fuelled the continued correspondence. She had enjoyed Ray's company, and it had suited her, he had not desired more from him. She knew that her life would not alter much, if any, if he were to suddenly exit it, unlike Tony…

She had long since realized Tony's discomfort with regards to her relationship with Ray. But she'd also seen his intent and that he genuinely wanted her to be happy. That is what had rendered him even dearer to her.  
>EJ was something she did not want to explain, or even acknowledge. She had been honest with him when she had said that it get harder when the stakes get higher, and with him the Stakes were at their highest. She had never liked it when other woman came onto the scene, and EJ was like a proverbial bull in a china shop. It had hurt her on a much more personal level, because she knew that Tony did not have the hang ups she had, that EJ would have him in all the ways Ziva couldn't. She had to watch as Tony slowly gave over his heart to someone so undeserving of it.<p>

Then for a moment she thought she'd lost him, it was the one reminder she did not need. She wanted to lash out at him for doing that to her, for giving her such a sudden jolt of trepidation and despair. She wanted to kill him herself when he came back, because the other option was not open to her, to them. It had for a moment driven them closer again, until this case…

To now to be faced with someone saying that she would make a good mother, ate at her, because she knew that she had to end it with Ray, whatever his promise may or may not involve, because as with all the others She could not see herself bearing his children, it did not have any impact on her if he was in her life or not, She liked him but she could live without him around. She had never needed to put his needs before her own, because things had been convenient for them both… until now.

There was only one person who she could see herself bearing children to, only one person who held that draw for her. There was only one person who she had made life-changing decisions for whom she could not contemplate her life without him in it… And he was sitting across from her with that perplexed frown on his face, as if trying to figure out what has been going through her mind for the past ten minutes.

She never thought she could come to hate a rule as much as she does now, even if he had broken it with EJ, EJ was not a team member…

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